Lifelong scars, a beautiful woman, anxiety and depression.

I have anxiety disorder and I am depressed. These words are so heavy and hard to write,even more so to admit. It’s tough to say especially in an ethnic minority group were not being okay is seen as weak, dysfunctional, abnormal, something you can pray away or something you’re not just getting over. It’s not something you can snap your fingers and wash away. Depression and anxiety are mental turmoil. 

I feel like the devil knocks on my door 24/7. I’ve been depressed since I was nine, subject to too many childhood traumas. I’ve been anxious since then too. I have lived in fear for a long time but my fear was comfortable because I am so well acquainted with it. When you grow up and society is telling you to hate yourself, or you’re not good enough are words washed over you. We all want to fit in, be acceptable, liked, clever, wholesome, fun, fantastic, the best, be all and end all. Nobody wants to be seen as an outsider. We all want to be esteemed by other people. Unfortunately, growing up, for me, that wasn’t the case. I was shot down constantly and berated. That made myself esteem very low, I’m struggling to build it up in my mid 20’s. Some say I should snap out of it, if it was that simple I will have a long time ago. I want to be happy more than anybody. Some may say worse things have happened to people and they survived. That may me true but my dna is belongs to me, it doesn’t include anybody. 

Some people’s pain is hidden behind a facade to show the world that their okay. Well the me today is refusing to do such. She is refusing to pretend to be something she’s not. At the root of continuous depression, anxiety and a lackluster life is the idea of living for other people, not living for oneself. Worrying about what other people will think. I’ve made some bad decisions and some of them were to please others. When I gave up my right to be myself when I was younger to beg for the praise of others. I hurt the sweet little girl I was. When I was older and I made decisions to satisfy other people’s ideas of me guess who I hurt, myself. For not being fully present and alive. Most of my depression and anxiety is caused by fear of all the things I stopped myself doing because I didn’t want to be me. I felt like I was wrong because I wasn’t anybodies idea of who or what I should be. 

I’m learning to love myself. I didn’t even know who she was. I was angry, bitter and upset all the time because I didn’t even like being in my own body. I spent my whole life trying to find who I was suppose to be. Now being myself and peeling my layers is driving me to the brink of insanity because its so painful not to hide behind wanting to please other people’s opinions. Well this is me. Anxiety ridden, Christian and depressed, totally unashamed about it now. It is what it is. I dare you to show people who you truly are and learn your feelings are valid. Some will run from the negativity. However, you are first in your life believe that! When bad times come, the people who love who you pretend to be, will run! You’ll find only you will deal with the consequences of your actions.