“Please tell me where I have gone wrong. My husband’s 15-year-old niece came to live with us two years ago. Her mother died, and I asked my husband if we could take her in to give her a better life, and he agreed to that.
“I will not lie; she has been a good girl. She takes good care of my four boys. We discovered she was pregnant some months after; she was 14 years old at that time. I was very angry with her. Though my husband said we should send her back to the village, I objected.
“I asked her who got her pregnant and she said she didn’t know. So, I aborted the pregnancy because I wanted a better life for her. If we send her back to the village, her life will be destroyed, and she is doing well in her school.
“The situation now is that she is pregnant again. I locked us up in a room and forced her to tell me who was responsible for the pregnancy. To my greatest dismay, she said her uncle. I asked which uncle and she said my husband.”
As disturbing and sickening as this story may sound, the wife was seeking help to save her marriage and herself from the shame and embarrassment her husband had brought upon the family.
Society, particularly the African society, has made a lot of women feel they are not woman enough if they cannot hold a home together. They make excuses for whatever the man does because they want to hold the family together.
They run from pillar to post finding means to save their marriage and cover for some of the embarrassing actions of the husband. The struggle to save a marriage from crashing is most often left on the desk of the woman, regardless of who is erring.
When a marriage is not working or the husband does something very shameful, the wife is left to bear the brunt of the situation. The family gathers around the wife at times like this to encourage her to forgive the man and save the family from “this shame.”
Some women find it hard to report or leave marriages like this because men are often excused when things like this happen; we shield them under the guise that “men will be men.”
“I confronted my husband; he was quiet and left the house and did not come back home for days. I took the girl back to the village and informed him afterwards. My husband brought her back to our house and said she was going nowhere.
“He said I should abort the pregnancy for the girl if I still want this marriage. I do not know what to do. Please help me.”
Some men prey on the vulnerability that African society places on women.
Some women stay in abusive marriages because of the marriage tag. Sometimes they do not see anything wrong with it until they are able to come out of it.
The case of the late Osinachi Nwachukwu is still fresh in our minds. Her story illustrates clearly the pressure society puts on women to hold the home together, irrespective of the challenges they go through.
This is not to say women should not try to resolve difficult challenges like forgiving an erring husband or holding the home together, but they must discern where to draw the line. The husband is a grown adult and must take responsibility for his actions.
The woman was originally designed to be a ‘help meet’ according to the Bible, but the responsibility of holding a marriage together rests solely on the shoulders of both parties involved.
The marriage is between two adults who are grown enough to take responsibility for their actions. Why, then, are women left to carry the shame of a cheating husband? How is it the woman’s fault that her husband is a pedophile?
Until society begins to frown and expose the evil some men perpetrate and let them face the consequences of their actions, women will continue to remain prey to these men.
Author: Joy Gofwen
Lagos, Bureau Chief,
Nigeria
